Two Bears mail-order catalog · Issue 003 · The forbidden annex
Wild animals. Human problems. Unreasonable merchandise.
Every animal has a job. None have read the description.
ASK ME ABOUT
New collection / Weird wildlife expedition
Forty rare animals have opened ten departments we explicitly asked them not to.
Questionable → Unhinged → Abyssal
Begin with an anteater’s royal plunger. End with a glass sponge in charge of the inside of a hamper. There is merchandise in between.
SEALED BY THE DEPARTMENT OF LEAVING THINGS EXPOSED.
6 exceptional obligations · All departments
PEEL. STICK. COMPLY.The original obligations · Stickers
One vinyl sticker. A durable reminder that growth is a direction, not a reason.
One 3-inch vinyl sticker. Permanent emotional consequences.
All particulars subject to bear interpretation.
Warranty schedule W-0150% OFF. 200% CONFIDENT.
WAS $786.00
YOU CANNOT AFFORD NOT TO OVERPAY.
Was price approved by a bear who has never seen money.
PEEL. STICK. COMPLY.The original obligations · Stickers
Someone to hold while we explain why the price went up.
One 3-inch vinyl sticker. Permanent emotional consequences.
All particulars subject to bear interpretation.
Warranty schedule W-01600% DISCOUNT
WAS $678.00
THE MATH IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
You still owe us money. Our calculator reports to Sales.
HANG YOUR CONCERNS.The original obligations · Prints
Written proof that you have enough. Expires upon purchase.
One 8 × 10-inch art print. Unframed. The wall is your problem.
All particulars subject to bear interpretation.
Warranty schedule W-0199.9% OFF YOUR HESITATION
WAS $1,300.00
ONLY 1 LEFT IN STOCK
Limit 400 per customer. Both statements are legally shouting.
Founding weirdos · Stickers
The extinguisher is decorative. So is the training.
SPECIMEN: fire salamander
One 3-inch vinyl sticker. Permanent emotional consequences.
All particulars subject to bear interpretation.
Warranty schedule W-01400% OFF. PANIC INCLUDED.
WAS $634.00
THEY ARE GOING. ALLEGEDLY.
HURRY. THINKING IS HOW THEY GET YOU.
Inventory supplied by the Department of Convenient Numbers.
Founding weirdos · Shirts
Dress like a cactus with a grievance.
SPECIMEN: horned toad
One natural cotton tee, unisex L. Front graphic. The bears have decided your size.
All particulars subject to bear interpretation.
Warranty schedule W-01PREORDER NOW. GET 700% OFF.
WAS $928.00
ARRIVING BEFORE WE THINK OF IT.
Be the first to wait. Estimated arrival: previously.
Founding weirdos · Mugs
Your call is important to this amphibian. Unfortunately, so is breakfast.
SPECIMEN: axolotl
One 11 oz white ceramic mug. Front graphic. No beverage or performance claims included.
All particulars subject to bear interpretation.
Warranty schedule W-01900% FLASH SALE
WAS $736.00
YOUR LAST CHANCE. THIS TIME.
HURRY. THINKING IS HOW THEY GET YOU.
Deadline renewed automatically for your inconvenience.
6 of 6 obligations released.
The enclosure is empty. The problem is now yours.
Customer testimony / wording supplied separately
* baby has not learned to file one. The bears have called this research.
Campaign copy: Swindy & Robeartwo.
